Happy Returns

It's been almost 500 days since I last posted - an absolute whirlwind of fifteen months. I was mostly focused on the terminal illness and eventual death of my mother in April, but also recognized an element of ongoing self-discovery during the grieving process. Grief is an odd experience. I was in a deep fog while she was sick, driving to and from my home state of Pennsylvania several times a week while trying to be present and available to both my family and my business. My primary sense of 'normalcy' during this time was the podcast, which allowed me the ability to disconnect from reality, focus on the impossible perfection I chase in both production and flow, as well as the opportunity to smoke a cigar and create some positive fog with my closest friends.

The ritual of recording the podcast is significant to me. It's an appointment on the calendar that I would dare not miss - and its weight (weight that we've put on ourselves) imparts a sense of seriousness and importance - yet it remains the highlight of each week. During my mom's gradual decline, knowing the recording appointment was on the calendar was a beacon of light. The constant flow of listener emails was a crutch that reminded me that my contribution to the cigar world was in some way meaningful. This is far beyond my wildest imagination of possibilities when we started recording in late 2021.

I was talking with a fellow lizard a few days ago about our decision to be anonymous. Most of the people in my life don't even know I smoke cigars; almost none know that I have a cigar podcast. It's created a useful dynamic of solitude inside this thing that we've built. Folks who can and want to appreciate it do, and those that would otherwise have no interest don't need to know that it exists. Anonymity was a casual choice, but it’s been a wonderfully powerful gift. It has also eliminated the ego, as 'fame' and money have nothing to do with our product, nor our continuing to want to produce it. We get together and record the podcast because we want to, not because we have to. I obsess about it because I want to, not because I have to. I think there's real power in the pressure coming from inside, as opposed to outside. External pressure would never have allowed the Type-A personalities in the group to reach three years of weekly releases, nor would it have allowed us to keep our friendships intact. For the eight members*, it remains as it was day one - a passion project that we enjoy. With or without the mics, we are doing the same thing every time we are together, safe for formally rating what we're smoking or drinking. This accidental ritual became something important enough for listeners around the world to tune into each week, but for me, it became important and powerful enough to relieve me of stress and worry during the darkest of days. For that, I am very thankful.

I am now returning to publish here as frequently as I can, and I hope my writing and curation improve in a way that - when reflecting in many years' time - I am proud to revisit. I also hope this site provides some value to you.

Thank you for your support of us and of me.

*We welcomed Chef Ricky, our resident agave expert - as our eighth lizard this summer - one of our best decisions yet.